At first read, you might think I’m talking to women who are already pregnant. Alas, no. I am addressing this letter of sorts to the women who are not yet pregnant, who are desperately hoping for that wonderful day when there are two little pink/blue lines on that home pregnancy test, or when the doctor says, “Congratulations; you’re having a baby!”
I am in the same boat as you, my dear, viciously paddling against the current.
I know how you feel. Already madly in love with that precious blessing you have yet to receive, but also incredibly anxious, worrying that such an amazing thing might not happen to you.
It’s hard – so incredibly hard – to see all those happy people with their little ones. You don’t begrudge them one single moment, but you can’t help being insanely jealous. It seems as though every time you go on Facebook or talk to friends or family, yet another person you know is having a baby. And you sit there and think, “Why not me? When will it be my turn?”
The frustration is overwhelming. Because no matter how hard you try to pretend that you’re okay with not having a baby right now, someone always says, “It’s okay, it will happen when it happens,” or “Don’t rush it; enjoy your life now because when you have kids you won’t be able to do so many things.” And that doesn’t help one tiny bit. Maybe they think they’re giving you some comfort, but they’re just making it worse.
It’s so discouraging, too. Every time you take a test, it’s so terrifying. Who ever thought that one little line could change your life so much? By now, you’re scared to even take a pregnancy test, because what if it’s negative again? You get your hopes up, just to have them crushed. Maybe you’re to the point that you don’t even want to take another test, because you’re convinced that the only answer they’ll ever have for you is negative, and you just can’t bear to see that again.
Perhaps you’re like me, and you’re starting to lose hope. That test in the bathroom is so daunting, and you almost want to throw it out, unused, because you know that no matter the result, all it will do is make you cry. But there’s that minuscule little niggling dream that’s buried itself in your heart, so you just let it sit there.
And you want to scream and rage and cry, because it just isn’t fair! So many women in this world were given such an amazing gift, and they take it for granted. Many don’t even want their babies, or they treat them horribly, and the injustice of that wells up inside you until you feel like you’ll burst. Why are they able to have a child when they don’t even love it? Do they realize or care about this precious opportunity they’ve been given? Why them and not me? It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair!
And you realize how jealous you sound. You know you shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s hard not to. It’s so damn depressing, to the point you feel that you’ll burst into tears every time you see a new mother at the store with her baby. And you watch them for a minute as she fawns over her child and it giggles back at her. In that instant, you would give anything to be her.
Trust me, dear lady, I empathize with you. I know what it’s like to pray that just maybe, this time will finally be the answer to your prayers. To think, “I don’t care how much sleep I’ll lose. I don’t care about all the things I won’t be able to eat or wear or do anymore. I don’t care that I’ll puke my guts out every day for months. I don’t care how much weight I’ll gain. I don’t care that I’ll never have money or time for ‘just me’ anymore, and that I’ll have an extra person tagging along with me everywhere that I’ll forever be responsible for. I would gladly do it all, many times over. These things are so trivial and meaningless. It would all be worth it in the end.” I know what it is to imagine singing and rocking your baby to sleep, only to come back to reality with empty arms. You feel so hollow and incomplete. I know what it’s like to imagine that one day, your name will become Mommy, and that fills your heart with an insurmountable joy. All there is to do is wait, and you think you’ll go insane from it.
But it will be worth it, some day. It will all be worth it in the end.
Another Mama Waiting for Her Baby